My roommate commented this morning that he has never been so horny before. He is newly on T, transitioning from female to male. I told him I am in the opposite position at the moment. I am at my least horny. For the two weeks since I got back from NC, my only erection has been in bed as a result of positioning/physical pressure or whatever quirk of slumber. It’s refreshing to be completely disinterested in sex, actually. I watched a porn that I borrowed from work, just because I feel I should take advantage of those privileges. The scenes were quite hot, actually. I enjoyed them without actually being aroused, without any desire to jerk off or hook up. I wouldn’t want this to be a lifelong condition, but for now it is pleasant and appropriate.

I have also had the thought that I will never look at my penis the same again. Because of this godawful allergic reaction, it has become and object of pity and disgust. I don’t want to look at it, engage with it at all. It only evokes dread. My leg is mostly healed, and my rash has mostly withdrawn (thank god, that was the biggest distraction and most persistent discomfort at its peak), but the gruesomeness in the groin continues (though improvements have occurred thank god, partly because I have minimized the horrific sticking of gauze).

Luckily, my drive and focus are healthy, unlike at the peak of my physical problem.

There aren’t many occasions when I’m conscious of being the only Caucasian, but I feel like it has been the case before when I was in a situation related to being low income. I noted being the only white guy in the room yesterday as I was waiting in the MAP determination meeting. MAP is a program in Austin that provides health care access to those who can prove they cannot afford to pay for their own. I brought my pay stubs, bank statement, and forms of ID (thank god a passport can fill in for a birth certificate because I have no clue where that particular piece of paper is, something that caused me strife in the past); I had already swallowed my pride as I made my way through the ER system without insurance. I have a renewed determination now to get a full time job and insurance. At least I have this government assistance for 6 months. I have only a $10 co-pay for doctor visits and something similar for prescriptions and dental visits. Of course, there are limitations, including extremely long waits for appointments. Still, I’m grateful that Austin has this program. And that I have supportive parents who constantly check in on me.

I am also grateful that there is much more going on in Austin than college football (of course, I wouldn’t have moved here if there wasn’t). But on rare occasions, such as today, I am reminded that this is also a football town. The bus routes are all on detour because of some big game.

Regarding the MSW effort, I had a heartening conversation with a University of Denver prof two days ago. I was much more composed (less of an awkward turd-dork) than I was with the U of Chicago folks, and she was very friendly and encouraging. Though I would rather live in Chicago or the NYC proximity, I should give a real thrust to getting into DU; they have a great program it seems like, and I’m really interested in their Bosnia program (it’s an easy hop over to Istanbul,too!)

Right now I’m nervous about my letters of reference. Do I dare ask the two professors who pumped out lots of letters for me the last two years? I really need a solid academic reference, but I cringe to think of asking them again, dread the possible exasperation/rejection. I wrote them and told them my change of heart and plans. I just emailed the writing professor two days ago, but she hasn’t responded, which worries me.

On a positive note, I broke ground on my first personal essay (for Rutgers), and tonight I’ll book my flight for a visit to NYC so I can attend the Rutgers info session and stop by Fordham.